Great sex is all in the mind
by Barbara Hoffman
New York Post, June 12, 2001

"Honey ,do you think I'm fat?" does not make for good pillow talk.

That's just one way people are letting their love handles sink their love lives.

"A pot belly is no secret,says Dr. Alan Altman, co-author of "Making Love the Way We Used To...Or Better."

"The real secrets in the bedroom are the negative thoughts about your self-image."

Altman, a gynecologist and associate professor at Harvard Medical School, likes to relate the tale of two patients.

One was 49 years old, weighed 270 pounds and regaled Altman with tales of her new partner and their exploits-in bed, in the car, in the
movie theater.

The other woman - married, younger and much thinner - responded bitterly when Altman asked about her sex life.

"Look at me," she said. "Who would want to make love with someone with these thighs?"

She is not alone. "There's way too much emphasis on what we look like," says Jackie Sussman, Manhattan psychotherapist and author of "Images of Desire."

"We have it backwards. We think if we buy the perfume and lose 10 pounds, we'll be sensual."

"No. The real sensuality's from the inside out."

The key Sussman says, is "to focus in on our senses and allow ourselves, regardless of what we look like, to feel sensual again."

"One good thing is to go back to the first hit of love," she says. "Close your eyes and imagine the the first time you fell in love with him - when he touched you the first time, and you jumped. That image is still in the mind.

"If you see that and relive it in your mind's eye, you see the essence of the person - and to make love from that place is a very deep and heartfelt connection. All the imperfections of the body melt, and you recapture that feeling of love.

"And that can make for great sex."

Janice Lieberman, a Manhattan psychoanalyst who's also written about our obsession with our physiques in her book "Body Talk," says there's such a thing as healthy-body narcissism," and it's not a bad thing.

"One does what one can - exercising, watching your diet, grooming. We're not talking fashion model perfection, but if someone's let himself or herself go, it affects how others view them."

So if your honey's getting too big to hug, talk about it. "Say 'Look, we're both getting older now and we've got to pay attention to this. We've got to talk about how we're going to live - and how we can be healthy and feel vibrant.'"

Gift certificates - for a massage, scalp treatment or a health club - can help. People who exercise, Lieberman points out, tend to feel better about their bodies, whatever their age or shape.